Question:
If a girl is attracted to other girls since her teenage years, what is the best way to suppress her desires? I know the American Psychology Association strictly prohibits any therapy that may suppress the desires for the same gender and even at school we are taught to discover our own sexuality, but as a Muslim therapist what is your advice for Muslim girls who suffer through this issue?
Do you recommend them getting married to the opposite gender? Would this help in suppressing the attraction towards the same gender, because I realize that there may not be any “cure” per say but there must be ways to decrease the desires for this haram?
And if getting married to man is a solution, do you recommend that the girl should tell the suitor about her issue?
My fear in telling is that what if the proposal doesn't go through and the suitor spreads this among other people?
Thank you so much.
Answer:
This is a very difficult situation many Muslim girls are facing, and I applaud you for reaching out and trying to better understand how best to handle and navigate such a complex issue. It is very important for you to really know and understand yourself deeply before trying to make any major life decisions going forward. What I mean is, it is important to accept your reality as it is, the feelings you feel, and try to understand why you may have same sex attraction. This could involve a fairly intense self-study, reflection, and introspection, as well as reading literature and other things to help you better understand why you have these feelings. This “research” in understanding yourself better should inform your sense of self and help you get comfortable in your own skin, as opposed to what the APA says, a scientific explanation, or the generally stated fatwas on the topic.
That being said, I don't think going into a marriage blindly with the hopes that it will “fix” these feelings, is necessarily the solution. While it may help lessen the unwanted feelings, it would be more important to first know what you're wanting in a relationship. Many girls with same sex attraction seek a deep emotional connection which is often much easier to find within girls. They are also often wanting to be in a more egalitarian relationship in which they feel some sort of equal footing, possibly based on some relationships they've seen where men dominate or are harsh with their wives. These examples and many other factors would be important to consider when evaluating the possibility of a marriage in order to ensure you can find fulfillment in that relationship.
What you have to be careful of is entering into a marriage with these hopes, and then sadly realizing you are unhappy and stuck in a relationship filled with misunderstanding and hurt.
These marriages often end in divorce because many factors were not sorted out, and the girl maybe was not quite ready for marriage and all it entailed. These things (weaknesses, frailties, self doubt, lack of self esteem) need to be worked on and understood within the girl before she decides to enter into such an important and sacred bond.
Once she feels she understands herself and her needs in a relationship and is able to see that potential in a suitor, then that marriage should be evaluated as any other marriage proposal would. It can't be overstated at this point that istikhārah (Ed. note- for more information on istikhārah click here) would be very important in making such a major life decision. In the most confusing and bewildering of times in our life, Allāh's guidance is there and He will help us find our way.
May Allāh make it easy on you. Āmīn.
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